Open letters

To the dark-haired dad who played catcher for Garrett's baseball team at their practice tonight:
You are in good physical shape. You're muscular in that jock-like, bulgy, icky way that some women appreciate. Whatever. We all see it. There is no need, therefore, for you to wear those bike shorts that reveal every contour of your ample thighs as well as your religion. Honestly, it is like a train wreck: I don't want to watch, but some things are simply so horrific that you have to keep looking, if only to convince yourself that what you're seeing is not real. For the love of all that is good and holy, wear some cutoffs or baggy shorts like the rest of the dads. My corneas will never be the same.

To the dork at Freecycle who acts like he is doing me a favor by taking my junk off my hands:
Seriously, dude. When I post something and ask for a phone number and a day/time you can pick the item up, I am doing it to discourage freaks like you from responding. The stuff I give away on Freecycle is usually good stuff; some of the things I offer are still in the packaging. I could sell them. I could give them to the Goodwill. Instead I offer them to Freecycle hoping that someone will be able to use them. I don't expect a medal for that, just a polite attitude and maybe a sincere thanks. But when you respond casually as though you can *sigh* take it if no one else wants it, *sigh*, you piss me off. Especially when I notice (and I am sure I'm not the only one) that you NEVER post anything yourself. See, it works both ways: you give some stuff you don't need, and you sometimes get stuff you do need. But to make it work you need to do BOTH. So no, I am not going to give you the item. You can go buy it at the Goodwill store in a day or two. Greedy bastard.