So said my grandma today. She lives in Arkansas. Lived most of her married life in North Dakota but after the famed Grand Forks flood she and my grandpa moved to Arkansas. He died several years ago and she is left there alone.
Her kids live in South Dakota, North Dakota and Arizona. Her brother and sister are both dead now. A nephew lives in Hawaii. She has 2 grandchildren in Minnesota, one in Washington state, and 1 still in college.
I am, honestly, the only one in the family who can deal with her on a regular basis and not go insane. And sometimes I wonder if I won't freak out on her about her prejudice of Mexicans, her twisted logic gleaned from Fox News, the forgetfulness that she refuses to admit to, the compulsion to hold on to everything.
She has the same living room furniture she's had since before I was born. It's been reupholstered several times. She moved her wool shag carpeting (white and turquoise) from ND to AR and had it pieced to fit the new house because someone else would either not appreciate it, not take care of it properly, or both. Her closets are overflowing with linens and clothing. The woman still has stuff from the 40s.
I love her, don't get me wrong, but it is so hard for me to understand why she hoards things. They fill up her house and make it harder to find anything. But she absolutely doesn't see that it would be better to give things away when they are no longer useful to her. She is always concerned that people won't take care of "her" stuff. Why? If you give it away, it isn't yours anymore. Why worry?
She was critical when I told her of my recent purging. She views it as a character flaw -- clearly I don't appreciate the things that I have, or I wouldn't get rid of them. There is no concept that I live in 2400 +/- square feet and that every inch in my house is utilized. There is no room for clutter.
So she doesn't want to leave grandpa, whose ashes (some of them, anyway) are in a columbarium there. She doesn't want to pay to move, she doesn't want to get rid of anything so it would be cheaper to move, she doesn't want anyone to tell her what to do, she doesn't want to be alone, far from her family.
Pretty much she doesn't want anything. She would disown me if I went down and tried to help her clean things out, but she wants me to listen when she is down or lonely. I understand those feelings and I want her to be in my town so badly -- for the relationships we could build between her and my kids, especially, for the wonderful medical care she could receive here if it was needed, for the awesome volunteer opportunities that fit into her interests -- art, history, education -- but I can't make the decision for her and I can't force her to change things if she doesn't want them to.
She says it is not the "Golden Years." I'm sure it isn't. She misses my grandpa, she wishes she were closer to family, the world is changing fast and it is sometimes confusing and frustrating. She refuses to get or use a computer; she is choosing her status in ALL of this.
So why do I feel so bad about it?
Mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend. Scrapbooker, family historian, reader, cook, photographer. Volunteer. Political junkie. Springsteen fan. Loves deeply, strives daily to be a cheerful, kind and generous person. Fails regularly. Snarky, judgy and more than a little blunt. Some people don't appreciate my style. If you're one of them, that's ok. Get your own blog.
Because you are a problem solver and you see a problem here with a solution. Except she doesn't. And that's why it frustrates you.
ReplyDeleteYou and I both understand that our hearts tell us we need to do something to make Grandma's life better. The problem is that our intellect "interferes" and we know there is nothing we can do because she refuses to cooperate. All we can do is listen and that is difficult, I know. However, it is also a good learning experience for us - may we learn that when we are in the "Golden Years" we need family and that the truly most important "things" in our lives are our loved ones. It's all just STUFF other than our family!! Thank you for being so good to Grandma - God knows she hasn't made it easy for any of us all these years, but she truly does love us all! Love, Mom
ReplyDeleteThat must be so frustrating for you Jen, especially since you are so focused and want to "fix" things. My sister's MIL was the same . . . our mother is also someone who has a difficult time letting go. I'm trying not to worry about it until necessary.
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