Musings on friendship

Interesting week. Reconnecting with old friends, making some new ones out of acquaintances, promising to call each other soon, talking about what friendship means with several other friends. I was struck by the word "loyalty" coming up again and again in conversation. I guess that is really important to me, although I've never really thought about it in these terms before. I have, in the past, completely cut off "friends" who, by their action or inaction, betrayed me.

But there is no hiding or avoidance with me -- I wrote them both letters telling them why I was angry and they wouldn't be hearing from me again. At that point, the ball was in their court and faced with the choice of dealing with me when angry (which is highly unpleasant and more than a little scary) or letting the friendship go, they chose the latter. And I'm okay with that. They will never go to sleep wondering what exactly they did to incur my wrath; they know.

Funny how one person's influence in the structure of a group (whether she is present or not) can color the behavior of the whole group, for good or for bad. And I was touched by someone's feeling of loyalty for me and some of the observations she made about a group with whom we are both acquainted. Interesting. People change; friendships change.

I guess I never realized that my friendship with some people was based solely on the common ground we shared in child rearing. I never saw there was no other "glue" holding us together. It's not that we couldn't have explored and found more common ground, but they (as a group or individually) decided not to explore further. I need to get over it and move on. Easier said than done.

And I am also feeling guilty because in one very important friendship in my life, I am failing. It is not from lack of caring, and I won't use the tired "I just don't have time to keep in touch" excuse. There is no excuse. Right now fear -- of the unknown, of asking questions, is overwhelming me. And I don't exactly know how to begin to apologize for absolutely sucking as a friend. I mean, what do you say?

I have no idea if she reads this blog, but if she does, I hope she knows this is for her. And I resolve this week to do something about my inadequacy and be a better friend. After this week, I realize I owe it to myself as well as to her.