Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Feeling down

Today was just a down day. They are coming less frequently and it seems I am dealing better with them when they do come, but in the words of one of the members of the grief support group I am attending, today sucked.

I haven't been able to read a book since Kris died. Reading is one of the joys of my life and while I miss it, I can't do it yet. I want to pick up a book -- The Lovely Bones is sitting awaiting a re-read on my nightstand, next to a library copy of The book Thief. I have been on the wait list for that for months and now that I have it I can't read it. I want to read Ted Kennedy's memoir. I want to read the new Dan Brown novel. It's frustrating to want to be able to but to know I just can't right now.

Another of my loves is politics, and that has lost some of its shine for me, too. Not because of Kris, but because of the inevitable people politics that goes with it. There is a storm a-brewin', and it is not pretty. I want to be involved but I fear my involvement will come at great cost and I am unwilling to make a sacrifice. Unfortunately I am just not able to "take one for the team" as it were. At least not right now.

My grief group had the opportunity to share personal items like photos, etc. at group tonight. I read a blog entry and shared some photos.

I'm not as far down as I have been, and I can see that I am coming back up again, but it's been a down day.

I just miss her so much, every day, and every day I realize something new that I can't tell her or something she will miss that she should have been at.

I am keeping the crazy away for the most part, but the big question still remains:

How do I go on in a world where she is not?


  1. Praying for you! Just want you to know you are loved and thought of daily here in Texas. Hoping tomorrow doesn't SUCK!

  2. Coming back to visit your blog after a long hiatus. Not sure how you fell off my radar to begin with but as I was reviewing comments from my blog contest I saw your name!

    I did some catching up and I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Those types of friends make life complete. I have no big words of wisdom. I don't have any advice from my own loss last year on how to go on in a life without them. I just have. I guess I just keep thinking about how incredibly lucky and fortunate I was to have known him in the first place....how much richer and fuller my life is because of him and that it ALWAYS will be. Nothing can take it away, including the fact he is no longer here.

    Thoughts and prayers for you as you find your way back.

  3. Hi, I just stumbled on your blog and had to write to let you know that I am out there and heard your pain. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that tomorrow is a little better for you, and the day after that as well. Take care.
    Frog Hollow Farm Girl