Moving on

Thanks to all of you who expressed concern for me and who offered suggestions. I went to several individual counseling sessions after Kris died, then attended an 8 week grief therapy group. I have friends here in Rochester who are supportive (and for whom I am incredibly grateful). The pattern of grieving is so unstable ... periods of relative calm where I think maybe I really am moving on, followed by times of great sorrow, frustration, and lethargy.

But it's the feeling of hopelessness that is the most awful.

I don't feel hopeless to the point of suicide; in fact, that is still incomprehensible to me. But the fact that I feel so desperately hopeless some days makes me so much more sympathetic to people who attempt or commit suicide. If I can feel this hopeless and still think life is worth living, how very hopeless and sad and desperate they must be.

When the hopelessness got the best of me a couple of weeks ago, I called the doctor. I went in the next day and we adjusted my medication a bit. It helped. I found a new equilibrium. I feel better on the whole. On a day to day basis I still feel like I am staggering around drunkenly, trying to find my footing.

Today has been a good day; coffee with a friend, laundry getting done, a lovely dinner coming together, my parents arriving for a visit and our impending trip to Indiana for the Indianapolis 500 are all things keeping me up.

We have come to some decisions on the house, pulling it off the market shortly for at least a little while to get a few things done. We are also going to add the egress window to make a legal bedroom in the basement, which will be Garrett's. The other 2 boys will move into the main floor bedrooms after each gets a coat of paint, and Rob and I will move back upstairs to the room we had when we first moved in here. The extra space up there will hold my scrapbooking and sewing stuff. It feels like a lot of work but it will make the house function so much better for my growing boys.

I am off to pack, do more laundry, and continue to prepare my dinner: a marinated tri-tip on the grill, steamed green beans, roasted butternut squash and beet salad (with chevre and pumpkin seeds), perhaps some sweet potato fries for the boys, and cloverleaf rolls to satisfy our never-ending carb craving. It's chichi enough to satisfy my cooking needs but manly enough to make my dad happy, so I think it will be a success.

This has been all over the place; sorry that it is disjointed. I AM feeling better. I appreciate your well wishes, and I look forward to reporting on a great family trip and, soon, telling you the real me is back. She's kind of a bitch sometimes, but I miss her.