Sunday, November 20, 2011

It's me, isn't it?

I am out of sorts. Have been all weekend. I am cranky. Weepy. Irritable. Touchy.

Honestly, I don't even like myself when I am like this.

But I can't help it. I have tried am trying to snap out of it. Went to a church event last night that was fun. I don't think I was a complete buzzkill but I know I probably would have avoided me.

I went to church this morning and since I was a presenter in the service I was there for both services. I chatted with people (some of whom have had awful things happen in the last week and during the last year) and I tried to offer support and encouragement.

I don't know how effective I was, though, because of the storm cloud all around me.

We came home and I went into the basement bathroom. This is G's bathroom for the most part, and yesterday I had pointed out some trash and dirt on the floor, particularly in the corners, and asked him to clean the floor. I knew he had attempted to clean it but the same trash was still on the floor this morning, and I took that as a giant "F-you" and went off on him.

I sort of had a plan for the afternoon in my head and relayed some of it to Rob, who agreed and then went off on his own stuff. I was confused but figured it was stuff he needed to get done and I just did my own thing. Until it was time to go, when I thought we were leaving together only to discover that 2 days in a row Rob has his own agenda (or hasn't thought things through enough to have an agenda) and I need to adjust accordingly.

I don't adjust. We have been married almost 16 years, and he knows that. So WHY can he not communicate with me? And WHY is it that in all of this stuff I feel like I am being a reasonable human being and letting people know the plan, my expectations, whatever .... and yet, in the end, I am the one who comes out looking like a lunatic?

Damn. I am just off balance. I hate it. I can't find a way to get back in balance. Is it hormones? The time of year? The moon phase? The alignment of the planets?

Honest, I would change it if I could, but how do you fix something when you don't know what's broken?

No comments:

Post a Comment