Monday, April 23, 2012

Who am I?

Navel gazing. I am doing it again. An ugly reminder of my past has recently reared its head, unbidden by me.
But it has made me reflect on my actions in the past, and I am trying to look at them honestly.
I am a difficult girl. I have a temper. I am judgy. I have high (often unreasonable) expectations of myself and the people around me. I am moody and rigid. I am not always kind. I am selfish. I have little patience in many instances.

I am sure it's not always easy to be around me, but I do think that I am quick to credit people for the good and kind things they do for me.

And. I am generous. I am fiercely loyal. I do things I don't want to simply because I know they are the right thing to do. I am willing to help -- with a meal, with a baby, with a project, with a party -- almost to a fault. I try. I try to be a good friend, a good relative, a good mom, a good citizen, a good person. And I fail. A lot.

But there are people who are no longer in my life who have NOTHING good to say about me. And I know that I have been a pain. But I also know I have done them kindnesses, even when I didn't want to, because it was the right thing to do.

So. I cooked a meal for a family whose matriarch was on hospice and welcomed them into my home. I sent a card and gift on the sad loss of a child. I did the right thing and put aside my own feelings.

Do I deserve a medal for that? Of course not. We ALL do things like that daily. We step up. We do the hard thing. We know that is how a civilized society works.
But I do deserve a little credit, I think. My life is rich with friends, and I don't think that is an accident. So I must occasionally still be doing something right.

I am a flawed human who tries to be better than her nature. I am a mother who would never abandon her children. I am a wife who honors her husband and her vows every day, even when it is hard. I am a person who tells the truth and obeys the law. I am a woman who faces her problems rather than running away from them. I am a friend who has suffered deeply in the illness and death of a friend who was far too young to die.

I am not perfect, not by a long shot. But all in all I think I am doing ok. As far as that ugly reminder? Well, she can assess herself by the same standard, and I don't really care what she comes up with.

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