My neighbors

Call themselves Christians. Send their kids to a "Christian" school, have a cheesy laser cut sticker on the back of their mini van, and think they're holier than god himself.

But here's the REAL story:

they welcomed us into this neighborhood on one of the days we came to clean this (filthy) house before we moved in. After some pleasantries and chitchat they said they were having a church party the following weekend in our cul-de-sac and we were welcome to come if we had already moved in. We WOULD already be moved in, right? Oh, good, because we wouldn't want your MOVING VAN to fuck up our little god party.

Seriously. they were THAT transparent.

So we went to the party. I am evil, I LIKE messing with people's minds.

People kept inviting us to their church (by the way, not everyone who goes to this church is as fake and stupid as my neighbors). I declined politely without giving details many times. Finally, I decided there was no way around it but to tell the truth: Thanks very much but we already have a church. Did it end there? Nooooooo. Which one? The Unitarian Universalist Church downtown. Ohhhhhh. (In other words: I have never heard of that.)Brief explanation: we are not Christian. We don't believe Jesus died for our sins (or yours either), we don't believe in proseletyzing to people and teaching them that their beliefs and very way of life are wrong, we don't believe in all kinds of stuff the Christian church espouses.*

Think any of them have said a word to us since?

And then there are the pets. They have cats. And a dog. The cats run loose all the time (I hate cats, in case I've not mentioned it) and come into my yard and leave their nasty excrement all over. Ewwwwww. And their dog sneaks under the fence and does her business over here, too.

So one day I used the Bible. See, I was raised a Christian. I know the Bible -- so well that I actually won a Bible verse and trivia contest in 6th grade. I kicked ass. So here I am, after discovering more cat feces in my yard, yelling at the top of my lungs, "God gave Adam dominion over the animals -- he even let Adam NAME them, for Pete's sake. We are supposed to be stewards of this earth and all of its creatures. You are NOT being stewards when you let your animals roam free. They are not wild animals, you are just bad owners!" et cetera, and on and on. With a lot of expletives thrown in, for the shock factor.

I am evil. And it still didn't do me any good. The stupid animals keep leaving their calling cards on my lawn. And we have a fence all around the yard, people. they have to WORK to get in. I think the owners tell them to do it. Honestly.

So my mom and dad come to visit. My mom discovers more poop in the yard and goes out to help my kids pick it up in a plastic grocery sack.

And then ties the full sack to the door handle of their minivan.

God, I love my mom.

Happy Mother's Day, y'all. If you think I'm a trip, you should meet Carol. Everything I know I learned from her. Love you, Mom!

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* There are UUs who are Christians -- the Unitarians were Christians who believe in ONE god, not the Trinity. there are also UUs who are Hindu, Buddhist, Wiccan, Jewish, and about any other stripe you can think of. It is COOL. The main thing I love about the UU church is that there is NO doctrine that you HAVE to believe in order to belong, other than the 7 Principles. Everybody fits. Yay. You can get those principles here.