Monday, January 21, 2008

If you hate whining ...

please do not read on. This is a whiny post. I have not complained at all about this damn foot for a week but today I have had enough. I will get it out here and then move on, but I have to vent. You've been warned.

I am sick and tired of doctors. In the past year I have had ultrasounds, transvaginal and saline, a deep vein thrombosis in my right leg, a surgical procedure involving my uterus, countless prescriptions for mind-numbingly strong drugs, and a host of visits with doctors. Regardless of how nice, how professional they are, they are doctors. I've just had enough.

My foot hurts. Really hurts. I am still on Vicodin, I am icing it constantly, I am doing everything I am supposed to because I am hoping if I am a compliant patient the pain will go away. But it has not.

I was stuck in bed all day today. Daytime TV sucks. I have a perfectly good craft room a few feet away but I can't keep the foot elevated properly in there (and frankly, the pain distracts me from accomplishing anything), so I sit in my bedroom.

I am not the mom I want to be, not the person I want to be.

And I am incredibly frustrated because while this is a condition that sometimes accompanies Rheumatoid Arthritis (which I am not officially diagnosed with but I am tested regularly and I have baseline x-rays on file because the VA suspects I have it), I can also safely blame part of it on my weight. My weight. Something I could have control over if I chose to. Something I have avoided thinking about. Something I am too frustrated and embarrassed about to talk about with anyone, especially myself.

I am a confident person. I expect people to take me at face value -- I am what I am. I don't pretend to be anything I am not. I am not a size 6. When I was, it was fake. I was a miserable person, I didn't do it in a healthy way. It was fraudulent. I do a lot of things right in terms of eating -- I really do. And I know what I do wrong, even as I do it, most of the time. And the thing I really do wrong is moving. I don't do nearly enough of it.

I have been slowly moving toward making some changes in that regard lately. I don't want to do them for a quick fix. I've been working my way up to it, asking for help (which is SO hard for me), and looking forward to a new way of doing things. Starting slowly. Making small changes, a little at a time. A lifestyle change, not a diet. Not a resolution. Just a girl who wants to begin traveling on a road that scares her to death.

And now I can't. I just can't. I can't walk to the bathroom, for crying out loud. I crawl up and down the stairs of my house, dragging that freakin' Darth Vader thing after me. And I hurt. And I am afraid that I am too late, that the changes can't come now, that I am stuck.

I am frustrated and scared. I want to whine and cry and throw a tantrum. I feel like a failure at something I really didn't even start yet.


  1. Sorry to hear about your problem. Maybe this simple exercising device could help. It was developed to increase the blood circulation in the lower legs. Check it out,

  2. It sounds horribly painful, jennifer. I wish you a speedy recovery!

  3. Okay, breathe.

    First, I am so sorry that you're experiencing all of this stuff right now. I was just thinking when I read your last post that you seem to have been cursed with illnesses of one kind or another. I know for me, when it comes to medical problems, when it rains it I can relate.

    Second, it is NEVER to late. Trust me -- when I started, I was in a MUCH worse state than most people, and now I am exercising every day and running, for goodness sakes! If I can do it, you can too.

    Let's talk. Let's meet at the Y. I will help you when you are healed. Promise.

  4. What did the doctor say?

  5. Wow--- pain SUCKS! I hope your foot is better soon. Being stuck in bed-- the worst! I hope you have lots of friends/family close by helping you out with the kids and such.

    As for weight loss-- I've been there too. I had great success with Weight Watchers. The program re-taught me how to eat. It really works. I've maintained for the past 6 years - no problems.