Monday, January 21, 2008

If you hate whining ...

please do not read on. This is a whiny post. I have not complained at all about this damn foot for a week but today I have had enough. I will get it out here and then move on, but I have to vent. You've been warned.

I am sick and tired of doctors. In the past year I have had ultrasounds, transvaginal and saline, a deep vein thrombosis in my right leg, a surgical procedure involving my uterus, countless prescriptions for mind-numbingly strong drugs, and a host of visits with doctors. Regardless of how nice, how professional they are, they are doctors. I've just had enough.

My foot hurts. Really hurts. I am still on Vicodin, I am icing it constantly, I am doing everything I am supposed to because I am hoping if I am a compliant patient the pain will go away. But it has not.

I was stuck in bed all day today. Daytime TV sucks. I have a perfectly good craft room a few feet away but I can't keep the foot elevated properly in there (and frankly, the pain distracts me from accomplishing anything), so I sit in my bedroom.

I am not the mom I want to be, not the person I want to be.

And I am incredibly frustrated because while this is a condition that sometimes accompanies Rheumatoid Arthritis (which I am not officially diagnosed with but I am tested regularly and I have baseline x-rays on file because the VA suspects I have it), I can also safely blame part of it on my weight. My weight. Something I could have control over if I chose to. Something I have avoided thinking about. Something I am too frustrated and embarrassed about to talk about with anyone, especially myself.

I am a confident person. I expect people to take me at face value -- I am what I am. I don't pretend to be anything I am not. I am not a size 6. When I was, it was fake. I was a miserable person, I didn't do it in a healthy way. It was fraudulent. I do a lot of things right in terms of eating -- I really do. And I know what I do wrong, even as I do it, most of the time. And the thing I really do wrong is moving. I don't do nearly enough of it.

I have been slowly moving toward making some changes in that regard lately. I don't want to do them for a quick fix. I've been working my way up to it, asking for help (which is SO hard for me), and looking forward to a new way of doing things. Starting slowly. Making small changes, a little at a time. A lifestyle change, not a diet. Not a resolution. Just a girl who wants to begin traveling on a road that scares her to death.

And now I can't. I just can't. I can't walk to the bathroom, for crying out loud. I crawl up and down the stairs of my house, dragging that freakin' Darth Vader thing after me. And I hurt. And I am afraid that I am too late, that the changes can't come now, that I am stuck.

I am frustrated and scared. I want to whine and cry and throw a tantrum. I feel like a failure at something I really didn't even start yet.

5 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear about your problem. Maybe this simple exercising device could help. It was developed to increase the blood circulation in the lower legs. Check it out, www.stepit.com

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  2. It sounds horribly painful, jennifer. I wish you a speedy recovery!

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  3. Okay, breathe.

    First, I am so sorry that you're experiencing all of this stuff right now. I was just thinking when I read your last post that you seem to have been cursed with illnesses of one kind or another. I know for me, when it comes to medical problems, when it rains it pours...so I can relate.

    Second, it is NEVER to late. Trust me -- when I started, I was in a MUCH worse state than most people, and now I am exercising every day and running, for goodness sakes! If I can do it, you can too.

    Let's talk. Let's meet at the Y. I will help you when you are healed. Promise.

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  4. What did the doctor say?

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  5. Wow--- pain SUCKS! I hope your foot is better soon. Being stuck in bed-- the worst! I hope you have lots of friends/family close by helping you out with the kids and such.

    As for weight loss-- I've been there too. I had great success with Weight Watchers. The program re-taught me how to eat. It really works. I've maintained for the past 6 years - no problems.

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