Sunday, April 13, 2008

I am okay

I know that last entry was a shock to some of my readers. The situation has been building for 2 1/2 years or more and things just finally came to a head. I have a habit of writing in my head. I think of things I want to say and then I craft the sentences, tweak the verbage, and polish the words until they shine in my brain and I can type or write them the next day. Those things (a lot of them, anyway) were floating around in my head and while I didn't want to be perseverating on them and the abundant negativity that is obvious, I couldn't shut them off. So I typed them, and now they are gone (or at least quiet) in my head.

I know that makes me sound more than slightly insane. Oh well.

I would dearly love to tell all the details, to chronicle the pain, the neglect, the shutting down of emotions, the selfishness, the self-deluding and making of excuses, but I can't. It isn't my story to tell. I have watched from the sidelines, powerless to do or say anything. I have known of people's pain and had to force myself to stay away, to avoid the entire scene, because I believed (and it turns out I was right) that my inserting myself into it, even in the most banal of ways or with the most honorable and true intentions, would make things worse for all involved.

I was gone because I took an impromptu trip. I went and mended fences, I offered to do what I can, and I felt I needed to "put my money where my mouth is," as it were. I went to help a family make a new start, to show them that, no matter our personality issues or our disparate interests and sometimes values, when the going gets tough, I am here.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Right now I see my life with new eyes. It isn't perfect. Hey, everybody has their issues. But late Friday night, after a very long and tough couple of days, I crawled into my bed and curled my cold body up next to a man I adore. And even though I was freezing, he stayed right next to me. We were in our bed, with the headboard he built for me, in the room that is decorated in the colors of the ocean, because I love the ocean. The dishes were done in the kitchen, and he had fed the kids a nutritious meal earlier. They were snug in their beds in a cozy room decorated for them. My home was clean and reasonably tidy. I went to sleep surrounded by the people and things I love.

Be grateful out there. Be grateful. Sometimes we lose things without meaning to. Sometimes there are things beyond our control. Sometimes -- no, always -- things are changing. And for me, right now is so very good. I live in abundance. And man, am I grateful.


  1. I read your last post and no matter what the circumstances I applaud you getting your feelings out. When the others come and you need again. It's healthy. I know you are so grateful for what you have in your life and your're right to remind us to to remember that ourselves. Even as you ranted in the previous post there were little things in there that could apply to anyone out there and maybe you provided a little bit of a wakeup call for someone. I think I'll hug my babies and send my DH a love letter now.

  2. Ugh--- way too much is familiar in your last two posts. Some things just suck.

  3. I hope things are better at that homestead. I am thinking of B and kiddos. Call me if you need to chat and seriously, he is welcome for a game. I would be a fun date and I can clean house.