Thursday, October 07, 2010


The last time I posted I was having a hard time. I hit an upswing of sorts and went in for a check up with my doc to get a prescription renewal. He wanted me to go off the meds and I was profoundly uncomfortable with that. The first anniversary of Kris' death is approaching and I was afraid I might need a boost through that.

We talked about side effects and I found out that something I had been dealing with (we'll just call it tummy trouble here) was a side effect and that there was another med I could try that perhaps would not have such an unpleasant result.

Less than 2 weeks on the new drug I had a horrible, unrelenting headache. The kind that keeps you from actually living because you can barely function, let alone cook meals, clean, do laundry, or any of the other things that keep my household running. It was awful. So ... back to the doc. Where we decided that it was time to wean off the meds.

I have told my mom, my husband, a few friends, and now I am telling you. You're my friend, too. So if you see in my blog posts (which I sincerely will try to do on a more regular basis) that I might need a boost, Tell me. Post a comment. Let me know. I don't always see it, but you are outside my head and in it at the same time, through my writing. You have my permission. In fact, it is a request; please let me know if you think I might need to see my doc again.

And now, the symptoms of withdrawal are receding, my energy level is up, and I am feeling far more positive and happy than I thought possible.

I'm anticipating Nov. 12 with apprehension, but with hope. I miss my friend but I am more at peace with the experience I had of caring for her and the jumble of emotions I felt when she died (grief, sadness, guilt, anger ...) is starting to get sorted out in my mind and I am hopeful.

I want to do something to mark the date. On Nov. 12 I want to do something that feels BIG. Something permanent. Something ... GRAND. I don't know what yet, but I would love input on this: what can I do? What is appropriate? I have long thought of getting a tattoo -- a pink ribbon, something feminine and delicate but bold, too. Here's the thing: she HATED tattoos. Thought it was crazy to mark your body in such a permanent way. I have always sort of wanted one but I wanted it to be meaningful, not just rebellious or to seem like a badass.

So what do you think? Is is disrespectful to Kris if I get a tattoo, or is it reasonable?

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