Submitting

Rep. Michele Bachmann (who is running for president and is batshit crazy in my not-so-humble opinion) has been in the news lately because of her religious beliefs. Specifically, she and her husband are evangelical Christians and they believe that a woman should "submit" to her husband. She's taking a lot of flak for that.
Now I am not a fan (clearly) but I am not sure this is a fair line of questioning, despite the fact that we have for years been asking people of faith how their faith is going to inform their decisions as President of the United States. Some people were convinced JFK was going to take all his instruction from the Vatican. Some are concerned that Mitt Romney's Latter-Day Saints (Mormon) beliefs will somehow corrupt the presidency. The implication in the questioning of Bachmann, though, is that her decisions will actually be made by her husband because she, as a Christian wife, submits to his will.
I may be WAY off base in this, but I don't necessarily believe that simply because a couple believes the wife should submit to her husband the marriage has any more or less trust, respect, and understanding than my marriage or any other.
Shockingly, I submit to my husband's wishes regularly. He is the primary financial decision maker in our household; I have a small income that goes into our joint accounts along with his. We pay bills together. He handles the meetings with the financial planner and makes sure we have adequate life insurance, retirement, etc. I HATE dealing with money. Even though we have plenty to pay the bills each month, even though our personal debt is very low, even though it should be relatively simple because we have enough, I am stressed out at the thought. My stomach is in knots as I type this.
So he tells me about how much grocery money we have. He is usually the one who decides it is time to make major purchases (like the recent weekend we purchased 2 TVs). Now don't get me wrong, I can go to the scrapbook store or buy a book or two for my Kindle without advance permission, but generally I check with him first, even if it's a text or a conversation the night before where I simply say, "I am going to buy a ______ tomorrow."
So sometimes submission is just a fact of living in a marriage; it's compromise. It is recognizing that we can't both be the driver all the time. My husband's career is the money maker for our household. His job is the deciding factor in where we live, where our children go to school, and most of our life. Of course what HE wants in his career path, what HE wants in terms of job growth and added responsibility, drives many decisions we make. How can it not? it certainly wouldn't make sense for me to suddenly decide I want a change and that we are moving, for example, to Denver. I could get a job there, but it would still not be the primary income in our home, Why on earth would we do that? So I submit; not because I am a doormat, but because that is how we choose to balance the power in our marriage.
And my marriage, or Michele Bachmann's marriage, or any other marriage or relationship, is not where anyone else should be. No one can really know or understand anyone else's home or relationship. And unless someone is being hurt in some way, we don't need to.
And as long as I'm on my soapbox, I think the same thing regardless of the gender or sexual orientation of the people in said relationships.

In which one wishes one had been wrong

For a long time I have suspected that a member of my extended family was abused as a child.

Her memories of her nuclear family were so vastly different than the memories her siblings shared I just figured she had made up her happy memories to cover up (at best) a relationship where an adult shared too much of his or her adult ... errr, issues or (at worst) a sexually abusive relationship.

She has been unwell ... a disintegrating memory, a move to a facility (which was necessary but incredibly difficult and painful), and a lack of contact with a number of extended family and friends (again, painful but necessary for her adjustment to her new surroundings, according to her doc). All of this has combined with her natural tendency to be a drama queen and attention whore (to borrow a phrase), and the result was she took to her bed, refused food and drink, and waited, I guess, to die.

She was moved to a psych ward. Given intravenous fluids. Made as comfortable as possible.

A psychiatrist visited her. I don't know what or how it happened, but it finally came out: sexually abused as a child.

In a life that has been so goddamn full of sadness, pain, anger, misery, guilt, recrimination, accusations, rage, venom and pathos in the last few years, those are the 5 saddest words I can imagine typing about that life.

I don't know the stories, the details. I'm a former reporter -- I want the who, what, when, how and WHY. Who was it? Who knew about it? Who didn't protect her? Who let a little girl be so broken that in her eighties she is still done in by it?

I am not much of a believer in Heaven or Hell or an afterlife, but if there is a Heaven for me it will look like the Main Reading Room of the Library of Congress and every question left unanswered in my life will be answered there, by the person best suited to answering it.

In Heaven, I will ask Thomas Jefferson if he loved Sally Hemings. I will ask Jesus Himself if He really is the Son of God. I will ask JonBenet Ramsey who did it. I will ask Amelia Earhart what happened.

And I will ask the people who knew about this if they understand the damage that was done to a little girl who deserved to remain innocent longer than she did.

I'm pretty sure THAT answer will still be inadequate, even in Heaven.

Weekend wrapup

Last night's dinner conversation was enlightening to say the least. We started talking about AWANA and it turns out the boys were not as enthralled with it as they were earlier. I think the "sin" talk in particular had them thinking about it.

Rob took the lead (will wonders never cease?) and, in a moment of sheer genius, summed up what is for him the pivotal difference between our church and the Christian church in general. In his words, the other churches are concerned with making sure you don't do stuff you shouldn't do; we concentrate on doing the things we should do. (I know. He rocks!) So we went on to discuss things like helping people who don't have enough to eat by bringing our "Give a Meal a Month" bag to church with items for the food shelf and helping people register to vote, which I will be doing one day next week. We talked about the Interfaith Hospitality Network our church is a part of, and the other ministries members of our congregation contribute to.

It was a great talk and in the end we all agreed that it would be fun to visit AWANA sometimes with the friends but that every week was probably more than any of us were willing to commit to.

Thank you for your responses, those left in the comments, on other blogs, and sent to my email. I am proud to have such sensible, caring and truly kind friends.
****************************************************************************

We went to church today and Garrett and I went to the DFL to clean for a bit afterwards. He vacuumed and put together Obama-Biden signs as well as trotting out to the dumpster several times for me. I cleaned the bathrooms (oh, the glamour of my life!), emptied the fridge of the more questionable contents, and did some general tidying. While we were gone Evan and Rob changed the oil on the PT Cruiser and when we got home they worked on the van.




The camper was brought out to storage today, and the batik hangings depicting the seasons in our sanctuary were rotated. The Autumn one, with its warm gold and rich burgundy hues, is front and center now, with the Winter one close by, ready to move one step to the right in its journey around the sanctuary. I an always sad to note these things; they are more steps in acknowledging that the misery of winter is fast approaching. I do not at all look forward to any of it.

So ends one more weekend in the school schedule. It seems that is what I am really marking as we move through the fall. This week is quieter for me, with an unexpected trip to the jewelry store; on the way to church this morning I discovered that the amethyst in my wedding ring is gone. I am not as sad about this as you might think; it was a replacement for the original stone which was lost years ago, and I was never particularly happy with the color (it was far too pale for my taste). Unfortunately this one will not be covered by the warranty, so that is less pleasant, but since it's about .10 carat it shouldn't be too bad. (Forgive the lousy photo, it was the best of about 8 attempts.)



Have a good week, everyone.

Putting my money where my mouth is

My kids made some new friends at a campground recently. The family actually lives here in Rochester. They homeschool and the kids and the parents are all very nice.

We met the other day at a park after school and their kids invited ours to AWANA.

I truly believe that exposing my kids to many religious traditions is a good thing. They have respect for all faiths (or lack thereof) and they understand that we believe that all paths to the divine are valid. So I had no objections to them attending AWANA with their friends.

But tonight, after they came home, excited and chattering and full of enthusiasm, and having been invited back, I am in a quandary.

I want them to understand that there are people who believe that Jesus was perfect and that he died so that their sins would be forgiven. But seeing the little booklets with their explanations of sin and their John 3:16 (which is a little too "Good News Bible" for my Lutheran upbringing) creeps me out. Other people can believe that stuff, but I spent YEARS trying to sort out my feelings from my beliefs from my values from my logical mind and honestly, it simply feels like brainwashing to me. And I'm uncomfortable with that.

On the other hand, the image of God as a loving father and protector is compelling and was very comforting for me as a small child. (Of course, when I started asking questions and thinking about it, it was tougher). But that sense of unconditional love and the idea that someone else is in control and all you have to do is trust, well, that is pretty powerful, and not always a bad thing.

Of course, there is the issue of feeling as though I am imposing on this family and their church. They picked the boys up tonight and dropped them off again, and offered to do so next week (or every week if we wanted). We actually went out for a beer after they left, and it was nice. I cannot begin to express the guilt that comes from sitting in a bar drinking beer when one's children are at a church (not our church) in the care of someone else that we don't know. Oh, the guilt. I joke and say I was raised "Catholic Lite." It isn't so far from the truth. We Lutherans do guilt in ways that rival the Catholics and the Jews. Oy vey.

So what to do? My mom reminded me that as a kid I attended AWANA. (Honestly, I do not remember it ever being called that, but it was a Bible verse memorization thing and I am good at memorizing and loved it and I won a KJV Bible because I am good at memorizing.) I don't object to them knowing the Bible -- I think it's a necessary thing, as so many cultural and literary things are references to the Bible. I think this is a nice family and nice kids and I would like my kids to be able to spend time with them simply because they all get along well and they enjoy each other. I like the mom and I think we could be friends (although I am pretty sure we will agree to disagree on a lot of social issues LOL). But I don't want to take advantage of someone's kindness, and I am completely uncomfortable with the idea of someone drumming that whole, "We are all sinners ..." yada yada yada bullshit into my kids. I mean, part of the reason I decided against the Lutheran Church for my kids was the Brief Order for Confession and Forgiveness. Hated it. Every week I'm gonna force my kid to say, "I'm a sinner and I'm unworthy" in a lot more words? No, I'm sorry, it just didn't work for me.

I don't know ... I certainly do not mean to insult anyone in all of this. I have a great respect for people of faith who can reconcile it with their actual lives and who set an example for me in how to live. I personally have not been able to reconcile Christianity and my life. This is why the Unitarian Universalist Church is good for me. And it's good for my kids. I have never regretted the decision to join that church and we are a part of the family there. My kids see the social justice work our church does, the commitment to embrace people of all sexual orientations, the recognition that there are all kinds of families, the sense that we are all responsible to and for one another -- every day. They see the diversity of belief in our church; the Christmas Eve service, the Dia de los Muertos celebration, the Maypole dance every spring, the water celebration in the late summer, the recognition of Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Diwali, Ramadan, Hanukkah ... they see that, somehow, even though we don't all believe exactly the same thing, we are a community. Just like the world.

What to do? I don't want to disappoint my kids, don't want to seem ungrateful for the kindness they've shown. I don't want to admit that when I read on a message board once that a woman's greatest fear was that her children would reject Christianity as adults my immediate thought was that I sincerely hoped my children would not make the choice to be Christians -- at least, not the kind that she was. If you know what I mean.

So what do you do, when you see your own world view colliding with another and your kids are in the middle? What do you do when you have to face your fear and be the open minded person you like to imagine yourself to be? What do you do when you have to put your money where your mouth is?

Easter

Since we're heathens we celebrate Easter like we do Christmas -- in a secular, pagan way (hey, why do you think it's an Easter Bunny?). We do talk about the real reason for the holiday, although much of it is lost on my kids. (Honestly, I grew up Lutheran and much of it was lost on me as a child, too.) Garrett and I were in the car yesterday and he asked a question that led to a long explanation from me about the crucifixion, the tomb, and the ascension. A few things seemed to *really* confuse him, so I went back and simplified it, telling him that I don't believe it, that it is a nice story, and that many people *do* believe it and it gives them great comfort and happiness. As always, I told him that as he grows he can read and learn more about all faiths and if Christianity (or Buddhism or Shinto) seems to make sense to him he can choose to follow that path. He replied that the whole thing about dying and coming to life, then rising to Heaven in the physical body seemed a little hard to believe and that he'd stay a Unitarian. LOL

Who knows? There's no telling what things will have meaning to a person. I have to confess I'd be a little less than thrilled if he chose some paths, though.

And here are the obligatory pictures of the loot from the Bunny. My friend Teresa called Webkinz the "crack cocaine of the elementary school set" the other day and she is so right. Evan got a frog, Spencer got a hippo, and Garrett got a tiger snake he's been wishing for.

I have an angel food cake in the oven and we're having cranberry lime chicken and baked potatoes for dinner.

Happy Easter, everybody. Here's a bonus picture for you. LOL

You can take the girl outta the church ...

I went to Hobby Lobby yesterday. They were having a frame sale and I am tired of having a beautiful watercolor of our old California neighborhood hiding in my scrap room. I want it displayed.

I will show the finished product Tuesday or Wednesday -- I think it will be nice. And a custom frame job for a 16x20 for $34 is a GREAT deal.

For those who don't know about Hobby Lobby, it is a craft store that also sells furniture, home decor, and a million little knick-knacky dust collectors. I love this store.

It is a Christian corporation, so stores are closed on Sundays. And their muzak is a mix of pop and hymns.

As I was looking through the mats, I found myself mouthing the words to "What a Friend We Have in Jesus." When I realized what I was doing, I stopped for a second. But I have to admit that I got a sense of comfort from the song -- and I was a little self-satisfied that I still knew the words. It's been a LONG time since I heard it.

Funny how those things stick with you and, even when you have deliberately chosen another path, come back to you.

WTF is wrong with people?

My mom forwarded me an email about Sen. Barack Obama accusing him of being a militant Muslim among other things. She asked me if it was true. I won't reprint it but here is the response I wrote her:

Mom, I am glad you sent this to me. I had heard about it but
had never seen it before.
I know it said the message was checked on Snopes.com but
that apparently was the writer's attempt to throw people off
his trail of lies, exaggerations, and comments promoting
racism and religious intolerance.

Here is what I know of the man from his book, "The Audacity
of Hope," which I read, and from a few websites, including
Snopes. Here is the link to their entire article refuting
the vitriol that is in this email:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/muslim.asp

His father was a Muslim, but had no influence over his
education; his parents were actually divorced when Barack was 2.

He did attend schools in Indonesia (both Muslim and Catholic),
but he asserts that his mother was far more concerned with
academics than religion and she encouraged him to learn about
many religions. She was an anthropologist so it makes sense
that she would view religion from a cultural standpoint.

Currently he attends Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago,
which is primarily African-American. The website is http://www.tucc.org/home.htm if you want more information. He professes his faith in a way
that strikes me as authentic but not pushy or judgmental.
(Hmmm ... if only ALL religious people could manage that.)

He was once photographed during the National Anthem without
his hand over his heart and he took some flak for it but
Snopes says there is no evidence he refuses to
recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

He was sworn into the Senate on a Christian Bible. The writer
of the email probably has him confused with Keith Ellison,
the first Muslim member of Congress. He is from
Minneapolis/St. Paul and was sworn in using the Holy text
of his faith. It was NOT Obama, though.

I guess the bottom line in this is fear. People are afraid of what
they don't know or understand. It's no surprise, it's human nature.
I just wish the cowards who write this bullshit and the idiots who
A) believe it and B) forward it without having the brains to check
whether it is accurate would take 5 minutes of their lives to LEARN
about things rather than always reacting to them in fear.

Last thing I have to say about it is that religion and politics
should be mutually exclusive regardless of a person's faith, and
I find it vastly amusing that so many "Christian" people who
haven't darkened the door of a church in years and
don't know the Bible from a book of nursery rhymes would have
the nerve to send this piece of crap all over the internet.

Okay, rant over. There's something of an answer. Please forward it
to whomever sent it to you and to the people they CC'd on it. I'd
like to put a stop to this little bit of nonsense. Feel free to
include my name on it as well. Unlike others, I stand
behind my words and my convictions.

Love you,
Jennifer

I am just so frustrated that some asshole is out there thinking he or she is doing the world a favor by spreading falsehoods and fearmongering. They probably think it is their "Christian duty" to warn people. Of course, if there is any justice whatsoever they will be made to understand the full implications of believing and writing as they have done. My guess is it won't be a lot of fun for them, but honestly, I would have a lot fun watching them be mightily uncomfortable in the presence of the Lord. LOL

Hannah

I really am not trying to make this blog a total downer but for the past couple of months I have been reading this blog. This woman lost her 5 year old daughter, Hannah, on July 19. Friday, September 21 is Hannah's birthday and since she was a girly girl who loved sparkles and fancy things, her mom, Rachael, is requesting that people dress sparkly for Hannah that day.

Being a sparkle girl myself, I will definitely be wearing something special. I have been so amazed at the attitude Rachael has and her grief process. Such a very personal thing to share with strangers -- and somehow I feel like her entries make it easier for those who read them to process their own grief. (Or is it just me?) Perhaps it is that she takes each day as it comes, knowing that some days will be better than others. Perhaps it is that she looks for the good in each day so that she can make note of it later. Perhaps it is the connection she and her husband and their daughter Lily seem to have to Hannah. There are no overtly religious messages in her entries, yet I feel that they are spiritual people who possess a deep faith in something.

I didn't really mean for this to get all religious, but it does make me think about my own faith (or rather, the lack thereof). Finding a balance between what I know to be true, what I wish to be true, and what I think to be true is a challenge. Maybe I was directed to that blog for a deeper reason.

At any rate, the blog is worth reading. And wear something sparkly for Hannah on Friday, willya? I really want to believe she'll see it and smile.

Camping weekend #3

Which reminds me that I still need to blog about weekend #2 so I remember it.

Anyway, we camped at a place near Wabasha, MN (home of "Grumpy Old Men"). Beautiful pine woods -- much more like Northern Minnesota than most places around here. I LOVED it. Well, except that it had trailers that looked like they'd been there since Elvis was on top of the charts or earlier, the sites were pretty close together, a seasonal camper across the road didn't appreciate that I asked him to turn down the goat-roper music he was playing (I didn't use that turn of phrase with him), and at this particular spot alcoholic beverages are not appreciated.

Uhhhh, excuse me? Seriously. They were gonna get mad if I, a person over 21 years of age, consumed a legal beverage on my campsite? Guess how fast Rob and I pulled out our Rolling Rocks. Hey, they didn't say they were prohibited.

Oh, and there was all this ... god stuff. Bible quotes in the store, a big sign advertising the Jesus channel on the radio, Bible quotes in the map/rules document, a church service every Sunday. I don't mind if you have a belief system. Actually, I rather respect and admire people who do and who live their lives by their beliefs. But honestly, you are a business. I don't need you to shove your belief system down my unwilling throat. And so, next time I want to camp near Wabasha, I will NOT choose you.

Anyway, the point of the weekend was the Leukemia fundraiser at the Lake City Yacht Club. They have members give sailboat rides for a fee and all the proceeds go to leukemia research. I sailed on little boats with my grandparents at their lake cabin as a child. I loved it, and I wanted my kids to have a chance to experience it, too. I made reservations a couple of weeks ago through the Chamber of Commerce. Easy.

Little did I know we would end up on a 32 footer (far bigger than anything I had ever sailed on before) with 2 of the most wonderful, kind people we could have hoped to meet. Elliott and Katie were awesome -- they let the kids steer, hang their feet in the water off the back, explore the cabin, hug the mast and look waaaaay up to the top, help with the ropes -- it was terrific. They had a great time and I did too, although I missed my grandpa Keith terribly the whole time. He would have loved to see my kids scampering all over the deck, hanging off the side to look at the water upside down while the spray splashed their faces ...

It was a gorgeous day and we were out on the boat for an hour and a half. Well worth the $60 we paid. I can hardly wait until next year.

Here are the pix:

Jerry Falwell died

So at dinner tonight my husband and I drank to the existence of Hell and Jerry's immediate admission.

Yep. I know. I still think it's funny.